When the story concludes, the lovers are always united and we are led to believe they enter the future with a sense of true contentment and satisfaction with life. This widespread cultural practice reflects the notion that we can only achieve genuine happiness by finding a romantic partner who fulfills our deepest hopes and dreams.

There is another side of the same coin. It is the mistaken belief that it is impossible to be happy, content, and satisfied with life if we do not have a romantic relationship. As a clinical psychologist I have found that many who think this way become depressed and demoralized. They operate on the belief that since they are not attractive enough to find a romantic partner they have no real chance of finding happiness.

In fact, it is terribly inaccurate to look this way at the connection between a romantic relationship and the ability to become and remain happy. In researching emotional well-being I have discovered that a romantic relationship is not essential to leading a happy life. This is because what we need in order to become and remain happy are affirmation, companionship, and intimacy.

These core values are often found in a romantic relationship. But they can also be found in other types of relationships. The important thing to remember is that finding these values in nonromantic relationships can be as effective in the pursuit of happiness as obtaining them from a romantic partner.

By cultivating friendships you will enhance your emotional well-being. A friend is a person with whom you share experiences that are mutually enjoyable. A good friend is also someone who provides feedback that you are adequate, competent, acceptable, desirable and/or lovable.

You also find intimacy with a good friend when you are comfortable enough to share aspects of yourself that could result in embarrassment, ridicule, or rejection and that friend continues to affirm you.

If you are in a reasonably fulfilling romantic relationship or even if you have no hope of finding one, you can enhance your emotional well-being by making an effort at cultivating friendships. Spend time with a person who affirms you and who is interested in leisure activities that are mutually enjoyable.

As time goes on risk sharing some intimate aspect of your life and see how your friend responds. If you find that this person offers affirmations, companionship and intimacy, investing time and energy in your relationship with him or her will go a long way toward enhancing your emotional well-being.

[Ed. note: Dr. Douglas Ramm is a psychologist, philosopher, author and leading researcher in the field of emotional well-being, contentment and life satisfaction.He has appeared on numerous radio and television talk shows where he shares insights for enhancing quality of life. For more information, click here.]

Most men are grossly lacking in their get-along-with-women skills. The women I have polled over the last 40 years say that the majority of men have little to no idea about what works in a relationship with a woman. This is both sad and strange given how important women are to most of us.

So the question is: What can you do about it?

The following guidelines, thoughtfully applied will produce great results. Ignore them and you can expect stuff to hit the fan. It’s your choice.

1. Learn to listen. When she asks you to turn off everything (especially the TV) because she has something to say, do it and then give her your attention. This will make her feel validated, important, worthwhile, and cared for.  She will also think you are one of the most special men she has ever met. (Most men suck at listening.)
2. Get interested in something that interests her. She will feel as if you are partners and are close (close is good). If you try to control her or take over, your entire effort will be wasted.
3. Surprise her. Do something thoughtful and caring for her when she least expects it. This is especially effective in long-term relationships. Surprise renews interest and passion!!!
4. Acknowledge her in the presence of her friends and family and be specific. Affirmation means even more with witnesses. But be specific. Gross generalizations like “you are a good woman” are worse than no acknowledgement at all.
5. Never, ever comment about her weight increases. She is hyper-aware of changes in her body and does not need your observations or criticisms.
6. Let her have her feelings. When she is upset about something, let her be upset. Do not imply that her feelings are silly or inappropriate and don’t try to “fix” her too quickly. Sometimes she will be OK simply by having her feelings.
7. Believe in something in addition to money. Yes, women want a man who makes a decent income but few women need you to be rich. Most women love it when a man has strong values and attempts to live by them.
8. Be a man instead of a boy. You are not an adolescent so don’t act like one. Nothing turns women off faster than a man who behaves like a teenage boy. This includes humor, dress, sex, dealing with friends, and especially commitment.
9. Develop some real foreplay skills. Yes, women like sex also. They just prefer to get into it a little more gracefully than most men. Foreplay begins in the mind (her mind) and then progresses to the body (her body). Find out what kind of talk and behavior (nonsexual – like candles, flowers, poetry, meaningful conversation, etc.) relaxes and turns her on and then do it. No groping allowed!

Most men ignore these simple but powerful guidelines. Apply them and you will become the best man your woman knows.

[Ed. note: Dr. Matthew Anderson is an author (The Prayer Diet), counselor (35 years) and national columnist/expert on weight loss, motivation, self-management and relationships. To find tough-minded, outside-the-box guidance for taking charge of your life and/or your weight including Eating click here.]

This statistic confirms common sense. But it sheds little light on what makes a positive encounter. It doesn’t tell what we can do to increase the number of positive interactions with a romantic partner. But I can.

My research on emotional well-being has shown that to be satisfied with a romantic relationship we need to regularly have interactions that provide the following three things:

• Affirmation — feedback we get from our partner that tells us we are adequate, competent, acceptable, desirable and loveable human beings.
• Companionship — sharing some experience we both enjoy.  
• Intimacy — sharing aspects of ourselves that could result in ridicule, rejection or embarrassment, and our partner continues to affirm us.

This clearly shows you the steps to take to become a more attractive partner. First, make an effort to affirm your partner several times a day. Give a kiss. Say what you find attractive about your partner. Mention what a nice job he or she is doing with everyday activities like cooking, shopping, housekeeping, washing the car or paying bills. Thank your partner for going to work each day and bringing home the money that helps keep you happy.

You can increase companionship by spending more time with your partner. Share a meal. Sit in the same room when reading or watching television. Go along on the next trip to the grocery or the hardware store. Suggest dinner and a movie, a play, a museum or a sporting event.  

Get more intimacy with unexpected sex. Tell your partner what you like him or her to do when you are making love. Ask your partner how you could provide more pleasure.

Do all these things, and you’ll be able to say you are happily married.

[Ed. Note: Dr. Douglas Ramm is a psychologist, philosopher, author and leading researcher in the field of emotional well-being, contentment and life satisfaction. He has appeared on numerous radio and television talk shows where he shares insights for enhancing quality of life. Discover how to enhance yours here.]

You simply ask yourself questions about your level of happiness in the future tense. For example, change the question about, say, companionship. Ask yourself if: “I will be satisfied with the amount of companionship I receive from my spouse or romantic partner if I work most nights and weekends.”

You can do this for all the questions about happiness and contentment that I have compiled on my website. If your level of happiness is higher in the future, then you should make the change. Go ahead and start that new business.

But if your happiness score is lower, you should consider another way of increasing your income. Try another idea — perhaps cutting your expenses. Then go through the exercise again, asking if this action will improve your future contentment.

When your future score is higher than your current happiness level, your plan of action will actually make you happier and more content and satisfied with life.

Once you have scored your GILS, look at how you stand with respect to your level of satisfaction on each of the 10 core value scores. Identify your lowest score. Then, go to that section of the GILS and look at the specific item or items where you indicated you are less than fully satisfied. Once you have isolated this aspect of your life you are ready to begin to start your action planning.

The next step consists of asking the question, “What change would result in my being more satisfied with this aspect of my life?” Answering this question may require some imagination. There may also be more than one answer to the question. In working on the answer to this question it is important to be open to as many possibilities as possible. Write these answers on a piece of paper or on a word processor.

Once you have identified what changes could bring about a greater level of satisfaction you can begin to think about what you can do to bring about these changes. As you go through this process you may discover that there are a number of potential courses of action. Once you find the one that appears to be most realistic you will be on your way to developing a plan of action.

If, for example, the results of your GILS indicate that you are dissatisfied with the amount of your companionship with friends, one change that may lead to greater satisfaction could consist of getting together with one of your friends for lunch a couple of times a month. Another change could involve a weekly activity like gathering a group of friends to play cards, go to the movies or eat dinner at one another’s homes or in a comfortable restaurant.

Once you have come up with a change that seems to be the most realistic, put together a plan for turning what you have in mind into reality. Then pursue this course of action with the confidence that what you are doing will probably result in a real and lasting improvement in your overall level of emotional well-being.

[Ed. Note: Dr. Douglas Ramm is a psychologist, philosopher, author and leading researcher in the field of emotional well-being, contentment and life satisfaction. He has appeared on numerous radio and television talk shows where he shares insights for enhancing quality of life. Discover how to enhance yours here.]

Now that I have your FULL attention, let’s talk. Some of what I am about to tell you may sound humorous, but you usually laugh when you talk about sex anyway, right?  However, the essence of this article is the truth — and it really can affect your eating habits.

Sex is a big problem in American society, a problem that we are not even close to resolving. We love it. We hate it. We are obsessed with it, yet we often act as if it does not exist. We think it’s wonderful, exciting, good, bad, natural, unnatural, clean, dirty, acceptable and forbidden.

We think sex education is important, but only because you can die from sex, not because sex is natural, wonderful and a gift from God. But maybe there is a clue here, in the “you can die from it” comment.

Think about this. Let’s say you are 12 years old and you watch TV after school for a week. At the end of this week you have seen over 100 murders. Right in front of your not-so-innocent eyes, you have watched 100 men, women and children die.

Is there a point to this? Yes, there is. Violence, extreme violence, is OK with us. But not sex. Did that child see 100 people making love? No. We are, as a society, more comfortable ending life than creating it. 

Now you may be mumbling to yourself, “He’s wrong about me. I don’t like all this violence on TV. I don’t let my kids watch it, either.” OK, you are the exception to the rule. But keep reading. You may be surprised.

I’m sure you will agree that we Americans are pretty confused about the subject of sex. That means that you have been affected in some way by the culture you live in. That sexual confusion has shaped your thinking and feeling at least to some extent. That confusion may actually be affecting your eating habits on a daily or weekly basis. To determine that effect, we have to ask some questions.

1. What is the connection between food and sex?

Would you admit that sex is a sensual experience? Yes. Well, what about eating food? Yes, eating is a very sensual experience, particularly if you pay attention when you are doing it. Now, we have two sensual experiences, but one of them is far more socially acceptable than the other. Is it possible that the need for one could be sublimated or acted out in the other? Is it possible that your sexual energy is so unacceptable to you that you eat food instead of embracing your sexual feelings? I think it is entirely possible.

2. What is your sexual history?

No, I am not asking you about sexual partners. I am asking a much deeper question. Who taught you about sex? What did they teach you? How comfortable were they in the discussion? What conclusions did you come to about sex? How comfortable are you now when you talk about sex? Do you ever talk about it? To whom and when?

The issue here is attitude. Do you have a healthy and comfortable attitude about sex? I am not talking about morality or ethics here. I’m not preaching. I am talking about emotional comfort.

If you are uncomfortable about the subject of sex, then you are probably at least as uncomfortable with sexual feelings. So guess what happens when you feel them? You eat.

3. When do you feel sexual?

Maybe a better question would be, “Do you know when you feel sexual?” How many times a day do you have sexual feelings? Some of you are thinking, “I’m lucky if I feel that once a week.” That’s my point. These feelings occur much more frequently than you may realize.

For example, how often are you aware of feeling angry or sad or hurt? Everyone has these feelings many times during the course of a week. Surprised? Look again, you will discover that I’m right about this.

I’m saying that you have many feelings every day and that you eat to kill the ones that are not acceptable. I am also saying that sexual feelings occur as much as any other feeling.  If you are not aware of them, you may be eating instead of experiencing them.

4. How can you tell if you are eating to kill your sexual feelings?

First, you must decide that you want to know. I know that this may sound peculiar, but it is important. Do you really want to know when you feel sexual? You may feel uncomfortable at first, even a little strange. But the payoff here is significant. If you allow yourself to be aware of your sexual energy and learn to handle it in a healthy and appropriate manner, you will accomplish three things.

1. You will eat less, naturally. I know you will love that.
2. You will tap into one of the most powerful and life-giving forces available to humans.
3. You will be naturally more energized and sensual and interested in life.

Second, look for the signs. Ask yourself, “Am I feeling sexual?  What causes that feeling to arise in me? Is it OK if I feel it?” You will probably discover that your sexual energy becomes much more obvious to you – and more than once a week.

Third and finally, decide what you are going to do with it. I am not encouraging you to act out irresponsibly. I am asking you to make adult, appropriate decisions about how you will explore and use this powerful and wonderful energy.

Be creative. Have fun. Enjoy.

[Ed. Note:  Dr. Matthew Anderson is an author (The Prayer Diet), counselor (35 years) and national columnist/expert on weight loss, motivation, self-management and relationships.  Find tough-minded, outside-the-box guidance for taking charge of your life and/or your weight, including Eating to Kill, Wake-Up 101 and Weight Loss as a Spiritual Journey. Click here to learn more.]